How to Support Survivors of Coercive Control
The following post has resonated with a lot of survivors of coercive control. I decided to focus on something that I often hear from survivors – that the response from others when disclosing abuse can be incredibly distressing. This post was originally written as a speech for a charity that works with survivors, and it proved to be a popular talk. I have reformatted it below for those interested.
I dedicated my doctorate research to recovery from coercive control. Since then, I have worked in the NHS, in charities, and private health care. What I learned was that after facing abuse, recovery from trauma was essential. Since the onset of the pandemic, the discussion around domestic violence has grown, and I hope that people will respond better to survivors – because when people do not respond well, this adds more trauma to our plate.
First, there is the trauma of the abuse; then, there is the trauma of not being believed or responded to kindly – or worse, shamed, judged, or vilified. For this reason, many survivors chose to remain silent, and silence helps abuse to thrive.
This is what I learned on how to best support survivors in recovery:
Believe them and be patient
Know they will not trust you. Prove them wrong.
Do not remain neutral
Encourage them to trust themselves
Encourage them to connect to others who will support them
1. Believe them and be patient.
It takes a lot of courage to open up about abuse. Survivors carry blame and shame and feel bad about airing their private lives. The last thing they want is pity. They are strong; that is what contributed to them staying as long as they did.
Something is wrong and victims can’t explain why or are unsure what is happening. Trauma means survivors might have difficulty explaining what has happened. The part of the brain that processes memories does not function well under threat. They are confused because they are viewing the world through the lens of the abuser. They are not sure what reality is, or even if they are really being abused.
They may go back and forth trying to work it out or ask you the same question repeatedly because they are not sure what happened. The abuser is likely manipulating people around them and quite possibly distorting reality with grains of truth. He said she said, whose narrative is true? Usually, the survivor questions themselves.
Understandably, survivors might be angry. Survivors are very rarely calm, cool, rational, and collected unless they are given the time and space to feel safe. This plays right into the view the abuser is trying to portray – that the survivor is crazy. I believe time reveals the truth. Be patient.
2. A survivor will not trust you. Do not take this personally.
The diagnosis for repeated PTSD in the DSM states that survivors feel “others do not understand them”. This is because other people, who have not been abused, don’t get their experiences – of course they don’t. Also, how can someone who has experienced a betrayal of this magnitude from someone they have placed their trust and care in easily trust others?
Survivors have witnessed the horror of the human psyche, that someone who is “normal” to everyone else is sadly someone else entirely behind closed doors. Survivors learn that this could be anyone and look for malicious intent, and they may try to understand the agenda behind every interaction.
Survivors often tell me that they think 40-50% of people are untrustworthy because that has been their experience. Be transparent, show them with actions and be true to your word. Taking the time to show them you are trustworthy will facilitate their healing.
3. If you remain neutral, you have sided with the abuser.
If you have someone tell you about abuse, support them. It does not “take two to tango”. And while there are two sides to every story, there is no justification for abuse. If you listen to and support both parties, you are sending the message that both people are to blame.
Survivors cannot have a dialogue or make something work with someone who is actively trying to harm them or their children. If you are listening to both sides, then it is very likely you are letting the abuser know vital information about the victim which can be used to hurt them. If you remain neutral, do not be surprised or hurt if the survivor stops communicating with you to protect themselves.
4. A survivor does not need advice unless they ask you what you think.
Remind survivors what they have achieved, what they are capable of, and their strengths. Tell them you believe in them. If they ask you for your advice, offer it lightly and encourage them to explore all their options and decide what is best for them. Help them think through those options, but do not tell them what to do. Their identity has been slowly eroded and they need your support to build it up again. Even the smallest decision may be difficult. This is the work: reconnecting with themselves, what they like and don’t like, the permission to make mistakes. Making decisions helps them regain their confidence.
5. Help them find people who will understand them.
Survivors need a lot of validation and support through compassion for healing, and the more support, the better. Help survivors connect to others who do understand – this can be online, in person, or in therapy. They just need a few people to help validate their experience and emotions and reflect understanding and empathy. Responding with compassion facilitates healing and recovery. Healing from abuse in relationships requires healing in safe relationships – we all can be part of that healing. Compassion is the balm to threat.
There is nothing that can prepare you for the tsunami that will be leaving your life behind – but there is hope on the other side with support.
